“I’m not a Pick Up Aritst (PUA) anymore. Fuck that. Please don’t call me one. I just want to find a great girl and have a nice relationship” Richard La Ruina, 2012
Kind of strange to hear from the founder of PUA (Pick Up Artist) Training? Yeah I guess it is ;-) …But let me tell you how I got to this point…
Six years ago, when I first started going to nightclubs seriously, it was a LOT of fun. I remember going to the same London night club (China White is the name, in case you were wondering) seven nights a week.
We got to know every member of staff from the door guy to the toilet guy to the barmen to the waiters. Every night would be a memory, loads of funny stuff would happen, I’d make out with a bunch of girls, and we’d get girls back to the apartment pretty much every time.
I did this for a few months, but couldn’t do it forever. I took some time to catch up on my lost youth, that 16-21 age when everyone else was getting laid but I wasn’t. After about six months, I had more experience with girls, and I pretty much knew what to do. I turned my attention back to getting a girlfriend.
Over the next few years, I’d meet a “nice” girl in the club every 6 weeks or so, and then she’d become my girlfriend. I’d stop going out and do nice romantic things with her instead.
I’d had my first relationship, with the first girl I kissed, and that lasted 2 1/2 years, then nothing for a few years. Right after moving to London at age 25 I’d had two girlfriends for about a month each. Both dumped me, because inside I still had a lot of insecurities and very little relationship experience.
Here’s some quick advice, to not get dumped:
1. keep in mind the things that she was initially attracted to, and make sure you never lose those qualities or stop showing them!
2. Pick the right girls. Don’t force a relationship with a completely incompatible girl to work. Sometimes things really aren’t meant to be.
These first relationships were just as nice and exciting as it was going to the clubs for the first time. In the end they didn’t work out, but at least this time I wasn’t getting dumped anymore. I was learning and becoming a better man. The girls just weren’t compatible enough with me.
Next I started going to more high-end nightclubs and infiltrating the scene more and more. The girls I was getting with were much more attractive and a lot of fun, but they often smoked, drank a lot, and a good percentage did cocaine.
This, in a nutshell, shows the problem of living in London – The most beautiful girls are only consistently to be found in the high-end clubs, BUT they are usually nothing like girlfriend material. After being spoiled by the high end clubs, trawling through regular bars and pubs and clubs for the one diamond in the rough is no fun…so you don’t do it.
I looked back at all the hot girls I’d slept with. It was cool and all, but 90% of it happened after 3am, with a girl who I knew was not going to be a girl that I’d like to date, which kind of took the edge off the experience.
Of course, when it comes to happiness, I was a million times happier than back in the day when I had no girls. There was some dissatisfaction, but I mean look at the difference:
I used to be depressed, and have issues galore. Now things were pretty much set, I had good friends, could get pretty girls, and had plenty of female company. It wasn’t 100% satisfying and the 24/7 club life wasn’t something I wanted to continue so intensely as I got into my thirties…but lots of fun times and great memories ;-)
After a few months I did find a nice girl. We dated for 9 months, I stopped going to clubs, and she was the best girlfriend I’d had so far, but things weren’t quite right for the long-term and we split up. At that point, I really looked at things and couldn’t face going back into the club scene full time. I had a few options:
1. Get a “Lifestyle” job that feeds me girls
Fashion photographer, model agency booker, (or even a strip club barman ;-)) these kinds of guys have an endless supply of hot girls in front of them. With a bit of game, results are pretty much guaranteed. The problem was that I’d met a lot of characters over the years who had unlimited access to women, they were guys like:
- The super rich guy who owned a trendy bar. He could try it on with his waitresses, he could meet new girls and invite them to his bar in his Ferrari, he could offer girls who just arrived in London a room in one of his many apartments. All told he could get laid every day with hot chicks. Sounds great? Well this guy was always angry, or sad, and woke up and started drinking (champagne) in the morning.
- The minor celebrity who gets free drinks in lots of the clubs, who gets girls throwing themselves at him, who gets threesomes and moresomes. At first I was jealous, but then I got to know this guy, and I saw the same sad story. Depression, drugs, drink. You can see the same all over hollywood and the music world…these people might have unlimited women, but it does not make them happy…at all.. so it can’t be the way to go.
- The billionaire who bought a porn company and has slept with thousands of women. He now hated women, had no respect for them, and could not consider a relationship with them. You start off thinking “wow” and then you want nothing to do with a life like that.
So I realised that a lifestyle that feeds you girls and makes it too easy is not the way. You don’t appreciate something as much when you get it too easily. You lose all of your innocence, and a normal relationship becomes impossible.
The best thing to do is to get your wonderful girl – beautiful…and all the rest, and run away with her, out of the scene and live a normal quite life. So I took option two:
2. Get the Fuck out
Most of the beautiful girls I’d met in London were foreign. Even when I did find beautiful English girls, they were often a real pain to spend time with.
So if Russian or Swedish or Brazilian girls are much more fun, I guess I should be spending time with them right? I ditch my London apartment, and I spend the next 3 years traveling the world, looking for my dream girl. I’m only in the UK 1 month per year, and the other 11, I’m wherever I want in the world.
I’m generally not one to follow convention, so when it came to relationships, I started to think about different ways to live:
A. Have a girl who likes girls and have threesomes and stuff
This is the “coolest” sounding one when it comes to pick up. And I’ve met a few guys who do something like this. The problem is that there are always stresses involved. If you FEEL a lot, there is gonna be jealousy somewhere, from you from her, from someone.
If you are with your girl and then you both score a really great chick and you give her 80% of the attention, or your girl just knows you are very attracted to her, that doesn’t play well. She can’t have respect for herself, love you, and be cool with that…and how sustainable is this, what happens when you guys get a little older?
If you don’t feel a lot, then it’s just sex. You either have to be a cold motherfucka who doesn’t care, or you will get bogged down in the stresses of managing this complicated situation.
Same with “multiple long-term relationships”, whether the girls know about each other or not, it creates a headache… Maybe the biggest reason is that the best girls, the ones that really tick all the boxes usually wouldn’t go for it. it’s only cool on paper…
B. Have the girl who is a good wife/mother and then go on lots of “business trips” and bang other chicks
Maybe this sounds fine too, at first glance, but my problem is that I always respect a girl less when I cheat on her. It kind of destroys the beauty of the relationship. And sleeping with one girl once often turns to twice, turns to “maybe this one is better”, turns to bigger and bigger risks.
It’s tough to keep control. As a man we have to think “do we really need to give in to ALL our desires, or is exercising some self-control, just like resisting that chocolate cake for desert, isn’t that a good thing for us?”
If we give in to all of our desires, we’d be completely selfish, drug addicted, obese…showing some restraint in our love lives has to be a good thing.
I’ve never had a LONG relationship, meaning 5 years or so, might be a whole different ball game then, but I’d prefer not to be thinking about cheating in the first few weeks!
C. The monogamous relationship
Hollywood, fairy tales, and our parents and grand parents generation (sometimes). But honestly this is when I am most happy, when I love a girl enough to not want to go out and meet other girls. Of course she needs to be beautiful enough where she is pretty much always the best looking around.
It’s tough to find many good examples in my friends who have taken this path and made it work, but there are a few, and definitely there are lots in older people. These friends might not be 100% happy, but they are a helluva lot happier than the “unlimited women” dudes and of course the single guys who don’t get any sex.
I guess the key is not to expect to be 100% happy, but to just find the path that gives you as close to 100% as you can get. I sometimes think I am “different” and that it’ll be harder for me to have a real relationship. I’ve met too many girls, and become too fussy.
You get a girl with perfect legs and every time you want them like that, amazing eye colour and every time you want that. It goes on and on, for looks, and for personality, and character traits. In London it was going to take years, so I started to travel, 11 months a year for the past 3 years.
In Russia, Ukraine, etc, I can find girls who are good looking enough pretty often, they are honestly 100x more common than in London.
The Current Plan
I’ve spent the whole summer in Moscow, I did the same last year. Russia, Ukraine, Lativa, and other former USSR countries have the most beautiful girls for me. I also like their character. It’s easy to find good girls, smart girls, and girls who make good girlfriends.
I go to clubs, but not so often, and mostly to just hang with my friends. These days I’m meeting most of my girls through daygame (!), having dates, and I’m finding tons of really good girls.
My plan is to find a great girl here. But I think it’ll be a bad idea to stay here after I find her, because for me a big part of potentially cheating is “opportunity”, I can’t 100% trust myself not to cheat when I have sooo man options.
Also the life is just not as good as other places, the food isn’t so nice, the cities not so clean, the nature not so beautiful and the standard of living for the same money just not as high.
So I’d like to go somewhere with her, maybe England, maybe America, maybe South America, but somewhere with a really nice lifestyle and without the sheer quantity of beautiful girls.
I probably wouldn’t see a girl as good in looks for months at a time, and when I do, I can assume she isn’t gonna have the personality to match. As I get older and spend more time with her, we should fall deeply in love, to the point where other women have no effect on me, even if they are beautiful, my bond with my girl will be too strong…and hopefully I won’t cheat ;-) Will see how it goes ;-)
I’ve been on this journey, and a lot of guys might read the above and wonder what their goals should be. If I could go back in time, I’d do things a little bit differently as far as my personal life goes. Here’s my advice for you: Settling down with the first girl you meet is usually going to be a mistake. There is a sweet spot.
You need to sleep with a certain number of women, date a bunch, but there is a sweet spot, when you’ve slept with a few girls, and dated enough to know more about what you want.
Then when you meet a special girl, you can fully commit to her. You haven’t lost all of your innocence, you can still feel butterflies when you kiss her the first time, and you can totally lose yourself in falling in love. Enjoy it and take what you can from it, but don’t take pick up too far ;-)
What do you think? What do you want out of pick up? Let me know in the comments below..